Thoughts from The Den

Do I Have To Talk About It?

Fri, 21 Aug 2026 11:09:59 GMT

Working With Childhood Sexual Abuse

Experiencing sexual abuse in childhood, or in fact at any time, can have such a wide range of impacts on people. While many people feel they can relate to others who have been through similar things to them, it remains deeply personal. People react and process in different ways.

Some people really need to talk about what happened to them, and some really, really don’t want to. Both are completely reasonable and, for want of a better word, ‘normal’ responses.

If you are coming to therapy following CSA, you do not need to talk about the experience itself. Sometimes it can help to remember and reframe the experience and sometimes it can feel liberating to be able to share it, but if that doesn’t feel right for you, then it's good to know that this is not the only way.

Therapy is less about what happened to you, though that is of course important, and more about how it impacted you. The vast majority of my time is not spent going over the detail of traumatic events, but is rather about building relationship and helping people to discover who they are and how they want to live. Sometimes that is about creating a new normal, assimilating the changes experienced and learning how to live as the new version of you. Sometimes it can be about recapturing something that has been lost, learning that you are still you no matter what. It can also be about recognising some deep-seated beliefs that may have been planted, understanding where those beliefs have come from, challenging and reframing them, and creating new core beliefs to move forward with.

Whatever it looks like for you, you do not have to be afraid that you will need to confront difficult memories as soon as you begin. Even if you do become ready to discuss the detail of what happened, which some people do work towards and find helpful in time, this will not be straight away.

Although, you are the expert on your own needs and will be free to talk about whatever you wish to.

Therapy begins with the building of the relationship between you and the therapist. This is fundamental to all the work and is why finding the right therapist for you is the number one priority. Therapists will usually do some kind of initial meeting or assessment to ensure they can meet your needs, and it is good to signal your experience at this point to help you find the best fit therapist for you, but that does not mean digging into the experience itself. A simple ‘I was assaulted’ or ‘I was abused’ or whichever language you prefer will suffice. As I said earlier, you can then talk more about the impact than the event.

The type of therapy that I offer is often referred to as ‘bottom up’. This is because we are working with your nervous system and the lower part of your brain first. The part of your brain that deals with safety, that is responsible for keeping you alive, that provides warning signals when you are in danger, and is therefore impacted by threat. This therapy recognises that you cannot simply think your way out of trauma when your whole body is living in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode. It is a therapy that begins by building safety and stability, so that you can feel secure before you begin working with difficult thoughts and feelings. We work on calming your nervous system to gently support your brain to turn off the alarm signals when they are no longer necessary, and we do this through the relationship that we build together. Sometimes we will talk about your life and what you have been thinking and feeling, sometimes we will talk about your past and how you have come to be who you are now, but sometimes we might talk about the movie you’re excited to see, or the thing you really want to buy, or that advert that made you laugh out loud. All of these things are a part of who you are, and when you are able to recognise that you can bring all of who you are and every part is fully accepted, that can be transformative. The magic of therapy has already begun and you can move forward into more difficult territory knowing that you are anchored by the stability of the therapeutic relationship that you have built.

What Makes Us Stronger - Reflections on Teenage Life

Fri, 19 Jun 2026 10:44:23 GMT

Young people's mental health is a hot topic right now, but what can we as individuals do to help?

I’ve been reflecting on my teenage experience. Not my homelife, that’s a whole other conversation, but my experiences in the world. What it was like to be an independent person in the world as a teenager. For me. Obviously, all our experiences will be wildly different.

I was lucky enough to attend what would now be considered a relatively small secondary school. About 800 students, I think. What this meant was that pretty much all the teachers knew pretty much all the students and vice versa (that seems to be a luxury that most teachers and students don’t get to experience anymore). Now, that’s not to say that all interactions were good. Of course, there were some teachers who liked me and some who didn’t. I was very independent, strong willed, determined that I be allowed to make my own decisions and hold my own views, and ultimately, I wanted to be treated as a person rather than ‘just a child’. Some teachers thought these were great skills for life, others saw it as defiant and uncontrollable.

My experience was that some adults in the world felt that young people shouldn’t have a voice, that it was ok for us to be spoken down to, shut down, patronised, and controlled simply because of our age.

Definitely not all adults though! Some adults were happy to engage with me on a more level playing field, they gave me space to express myself and ask questions and were happy to answer those questions with care and consideration. We could joke and laugh as well as be serious. I respected them, and when it was time to hold me accountable, I listened to them as they had listened to me.

I have to admit, the teachers who had no time or space for me received no time or space in return.

Outside of school, I often think of my driving instructor, who listened to all my crazy thoughts, dreams, and opinions as we drove. He took me seriously, he believed in me, he understood me. He saw my life as real and important, he never suggested I was just a kid who didn’t really know anything yet, he saw me as a valid person doing life and he listened to and cared about everything.

So, my experience of the world as a teenager was a mixed bag, I could see that there were some adults who wanted young people to just be quiet and do as they were told without question, and some adults who celebrated us for all that we had to offer. I was annoyed by the people who wanted to shut young people down, but I also experienced the opposite, making it a ‘them’ issue that I was happy to call out. I am grateful to have had that lovely driving instructor Bob. I am grateful to have had Miss D, my amazing drama teacher who supported me through school and well beyond. I am so grateful to have had Mrs Walsh, the nurse who dropped into school a couple times a week and always had the time for me to sit in her office and just talk.

As a professional now, I would call these people ‘external adults’, as in adults not in my family. Adults who do not carry the complexity of relationship that comes with being a parent, grandparent, sibling, aunt etc. Family adults can of course be hugely influential, for better or worse, but family life is a microcosm, and rarely reflective of how teenagers are received and perceived in the wider world. External adult relationships offer something different because there is no pressure on these relationships, no deeper expectations, no generational baggage, and no need for the young person to protect them.

But it’s not just about being external. For these relationships to have been so important and grounding for me, these adults needed to be Emotionally Available (a term coined by Dr Margot Sunderland of Trauma Informed Schools UK). They needed to feel safe, and they needed to really hear me, they needed to recognise the emotion and importance in what I talked about, and most of all they needed to take me seriously.

I am struck by the huge difference that those emotionally available external adults made to my life.

Let’s imagine a world where I thought that ALL adults wanted to shut me down, and ALL adults would dismiss me and my thoughts/feelings/contributions. What if I lived in a world where I felt no one believed in me? Where ALL adults controlled me without any acknowledgement of my individuality. Where I knew that the second I walked into a room I would be reprimanded, shouted at, or just generally disrespected. What if I felt that everyone expected me to fail, every day? What if I felt that none of the external adults in my life actually even liked me? What if they sent me away all the time? Or they kept me around, but my best was never good enough, they always wanted more from me than I felt able to give?

I can only imagine what an upsetting, frustrating, depressing, and soul-destroying life that would be.

I didn’t have to feel that way because of the adults who held space for me and did treat me as an individual. They didn’t even have to do much to make this huge difference, just see me and acknowledge me as a person. I strive in my work to be an emotionally available external adult for my young people. What a joyous privilege it is for all of us to be external adults in young people’s lives.

I invite you to reflect on your teenage experience. What made it harder and what made it easier? Who were the people that supported you through that confusing and frustrating period of life? How did you feel the world at large viewed you as a teenager?

Thoughts from The Den

Thu, 21 Sep 2023 09:40:43 GMT

Neurodivergence – The Perspective of an Immersed Brain

I am neurodivergent. I grew up in household with other neurodivergent people, and I have bred myself a neurodivergent family. I also have been working with neurodivergence for 15 years. I am fully immersed! Talking about neurodivergence is an everyday occurrence for me, so I throw the word ‘neurodivergent’ around like I’m saying the word ‘bread’, or ‘leg’, or some other word that would be taken for granted as part of everyone’s vocabulary.

However, I was asked recently what it meant, and I was reminded that it is very much not a part of everyone’s world, and not a term that everyone understands. So, what is neurodivergence?

It is based on the premise that there is a ‘typical’ way in which the human brain works, and there are brains that ‘diverge’ from the typical. Anyone whose brain works differently from the ‘typical’ is neurodivergent. This could be for a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to), they are dyslexic, autistic, adhd, have Tourette’s, have a stammer, or even that they have had a brain injury. There are many ways in which our brain processing can ‘diverge’ from the typical.

This is an important premise to understand, because for the most part, our world is set up according to the way a ‘typical’ brain processes information and stimuli. It can be really difficult for anyone, whether they have a ‘typical’ brain or a ‘divergent’ one, to understand that someone else experiences the world differently to them. We think that the world just is the way that it is. That is not the case. The sky is blue because of the way our brain processes the information received through the eye, not because it is blue. One person likes the smell of fresh cut grass and another hates it, because of the way their brains process and categorise the information received through the nose, not because fresh cut grass objectively has a good or bad smell.

Neurodivergent people can experience the world extremely differently to neurotypical people. Things that are easy, and comfortable, and just ‘normal’ for a ‘typical’ brain can be really hard, uncomfortable, and feel just ‘wrong’ to a ‘divergent’ brain. This can include every day experiences such as lighting in the work place, the feel of a uniform, or the crowding in a supermarket. ‘Typical’ brains may experience some irritation about these things, but are usually able to manage, and for the most part would not even notice them. A neurodivergent brain however, may experience these as overwhelming and/or unbearable. The lights might literally hurt their eyes, the uniform might literally hurt their skin, and the crowd might make them feel so physically trapped that they can’t breathe. And this is just one aspect of life that can be processed differently, neurodivergence can impact all aspects of life; getting things done, experiencing emotion, going to places, interacting with people, managing demands, understanding communication, politics, justice, power and more and more and more! It is a different experience of the world.

On top of this, we have to recognise that all neurodivergent people are different. There is not one way that all neurodivergent people experience the world, it is different for everyone. Some will process particular sensations more intensely, others will feel emotions more deeply, some might need a deadline while others will be repelled by one.

At the heart of understanding neurodivergence is a deep understanding that, actually, everyone is different from everyone else. People will be different from us in ways that we have never even considered, they will experience the world in ways that we couldn’t imagine, and to support people to have equal opportunity to access and interact with the world, we need to be open to recognising that things are not always the way they seem to us.